Tag Archives: spirituality
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CONNECTING SOUL…

18 Sep

CONNECTING SOULS!

“You can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won’t mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever…. connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.”  
―     C. JoyBell C.

www.deniser-smith.com

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Soldier

6 Sep

The halls are always dark, and the voices that echo back at me are always brutal but I try to stay strong and move forward. Always staying true to the one voice that always overpowers mine and it’s that of my mother’s saying “Jesus loves you and no matter who fails you, just remember that he’ll never let you down. He is your invincible friend, the one that stays true and constant for eternity.” There were times when those words was more to me than a line my mother used to cheer me up, it was my strength to get back up when I had been spit and beaten upon. When no one wanted me there was this light that constantly emerged into my heart, filling it with love despite the lethal dose of hate I had just experienced. “Life throws us curve balls, mama use to say, sometimes it bends us and twists us before we ever come straight”. Well, my friend, I could tell you personally I had the works done to me, and everything bad one could say about me had been said, but I reminded myself at the end of the day that Jesus loves me,  this I know. I’d experience his everlasting love throughout my journey in juv. I’ve been in prison since I was thirteen; well I started off at a juvenile home, a place where the so called bad kids lived. Well, in my case, I was there for murder, I had a trial but I never went. I wasn’t placed upon a stand to defend myself, that’s what coming from nothing affords you. I was accused of killing Mrs. Greenwood, and I could tell you that I didn’t, but no one ever believes a word that I say out of my mouth. My brother killed her but it was an accident, and I took the rap for it. Only ones who knew the true besides me was Ray, my father, and his wife. They decided without me that my life wasn’t worth anything, and Ray had so much more potential than I did. So I guess that made me better suited for the job. That day was a disaster. I never received the chance to go back to my mother’s house to say goodbye to her, and my father refused to tell her what exactly had happened to me. She never really believed that I was a murderer or I had it in me to commit such a crime. Mona was my father’s second wife and Ray’s mother, and she had it out for me since day one. After the trial was over and I was sent away, my dad and his new family never came to visit me. That hurt more than anything else in the world. For ten years I hadn’t seen my father or received a letter from him. He had completely written me off as his daughter, and kept Ray as far away from me as he possibly could. My first year in juv was hard, I was never a fighter but I had to learn to become one, if not physically, mentally. I took the bait for almost every kid in that place. I could honestly say I didn’t disobey a single order any of the guards gave me except not to answer them. I learned quickly that it was better to keep my mouth shut and be locked away in a cell by myself than to snitch on my cellmates. That kind of mistake could place me in an early grave. Survival was the key in a place like that. Although sometimes I had to ask myself what was I truly fighting to live for? During my five years at juv I spent half of the time in solitary confinement. If an inmate decided that they didn’t want to take the rap for their own wrongdoings, they would plant their drugs on me. My mother came and saw me so many times at juv with my eyes swollen that she started bringing ice bags to help the swelling go down. At a certain point she started befriending the guards so that they could keep an eye on me. I must say that she never left my side. But I could see the tears in her eyes, although they weren’t physically there. It was confusing to her as to why I was in juv and why no one including myself could explain it to her. Why was I accused of murder? I know she must have asked herself a million times why was she fighting for me when I wasn’t fighting for myself. She had to fight for my life when she had lost all control over me. At times I didn’t want to be free because I was just existing. I was a kid for god’s sake thrown into a jungle being forced to fight for my life. Forced to fight against grownups, to prove to them that I could be fixed somehow. For five years I had a counselor talk to me about good and evil and how I could overcome evil by admittances of things I hadn’t done. Michal Williams was a god whole awful woman. I had to say yes to everything that she said to me, because each time I came close to telling her the truth, she twisted it into her own truth. I called that woman a bitch so many times it became a regular part of my vocabulary and indeed she was.  “Kenna, is it going to be a bad or good day today?” She use to say as if I had any control over the days. I didn’t even have control over whether I ate or not. My mind began to zone out after fifteen minutes of hearing her preach to me. Every meeting that I had with Mrs. Williams made me feel worse than before I sat down with her.  She wasn’t a counselor, she was a witch, and she certainly wasn’t there to get me back on the right track. She was there to send me into a mental institution. I fell so far into depression those first couple of years. Mrs. Williams once reported back to my mother that she thought that I was a lost child, but my mother shut her down as soon as she opened up her mouth. That’s one thing about my mother, you couldn’t tell her anything about me or what kind of person you thought I was. She always told me my biggest obstacle in life is realizing that I am as much a part of mankind as anyone else. I know what she told Mrs. Williams must have been harsh because she never approached my mother again with anything negative about me.  Mrs. Williams had me pray before she started any session with me. Sometimes she would get annoyed if I didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear. The truth that I didn’t kill Mrs. Greenwood wasn’t honest enough for her. She used to shout at me, calling me a liar and saying how I would never get out of prison without showing any sign of forgiveness. One time in particular, she had gotten so angry at me that she forced me to stand in the middle of the room on a platform with a doll in my hands.  She instructed me to throw it down then pick it back up about a dozen time. Then she examined the doll. She told me that’s what I had done to Mrs. Greenwood, only I did it by pushing her down the stairs. I was scared after that meeting and happy that it was over as well. I didn’t see Mrs. Williams again until the next week.

MY NEW BOOK COMING NOV, 1 2013

http://www.deniser-smith.com

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You and I were made perfect

21 Aug
“There is no need to justify what we are. There is no need to work hard to become what we are not. We just need to return to our integrity, to the way we were before we learned to speak. Perfect. As little children, we are authentic. Only the present time is real for us; we don’t care about the past, and we aren’t worried about the future. We enjoy life; we want to explore and have fun. Nobody teaches us to be that way; we are born that way.” – DMR

The story of the Butterfly

17 Aug

The Story of the Butterfly

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening  appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it  struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole. Then it stopped, as if  it couldn’t go further. 

Butterfly So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors  and snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon. The butterfly emerged  easily but it had a swollen body and shriveled wings. 

The man continued to watch it, expecting that any minute the wings would  enlarge and expand enough to support the body, Neither happened! In  fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around. It was  never able to fly. 

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand: The  restricting cocoon and the struggle required by the butterfly to get through  the opening was a way of forcing the fluid from the body into the wings  so that it would be ready for flight once that was achieved. 

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. Going  through life with no obstacles would cripple us. We will not be as strong as  we could have been and we would never fly.

 

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State of being hopeless

12 Jul

State of being homeless

The state of being hopeless

Homeless people lying on the street
Signs begging for help
But, everyone has a home to feed
Could the world really be that cold?
That we can’t offer a shoulder to cry on, to sacrifice the pain of another
Neglecting what we see because we have no cure
I can’t imagine how it feels to be so lonely
Not having any hope to free your self of this disease
And, that’s the state of the homeless we see!

http://www.deniser-smith.com

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Sophisticated(old fool/new world)

8 Jul

Sophisticated(old fool/new world)

I can’t believe that I am sitting here at an aids clinic! Being tested! While sitting down waiting for the nurse to call me, I said to myself, “Kathy, just laugh”, but the pain I felt sting so hard that all I could do was cry. I found out four months ago that I might have contracted something, but I’ve been too afraid to tell my adult children. What would they think of me? I felt ashamed. My late husband and I had been together for over thirty years and not once did I have to walk down this path. Now, just by me dating a man for merely a year I put my life in jeopardy. Lawrence and I had sexual intercourse after six months of dating; I thought that was okay in today’s world. I mean we were both two old school kids, trying to get our grove back. Little did I know that Lawrence never lost his! He wasn’t the kind of man that I was use to, although he appeared that way at first. An old country girl like me got lost in his waves of lies. They all sounded good, every word that came out of his mouth was what I wanted to hear. That’s what not having a man in your life for a while will do to a woman. I was so lonely, but I swear I didn’t rush into it. It took me five years to talk to anyone again after Richard die. Everyone around me kept pushing me to get back out there including my children, and I didn’t want my family worrying about me. So I decided to “test my feet in the water”, so to speak. Now here I am wishing that I had waited a little bit longer.
I’m dying inside; I don’t know what to do if I found out that I was sick. All I could think was, that my kids would hate me. Rich passing put a damper on my life. I had no clue how dangerous it was out there now. For two weeks I prayed like I never had before. I asked God to save me over and over again from this rot that had been placed upon me. I needed to live for my kids despite the fact that they were grown.
My sister set me up with Lawrence, and I must admit I could have seen why the first time that I saw him. He was quiet and charming. He graduate from Princeton with honors and now holds a PHD in clinical psychology. He was handsome and physically fit; I never thought once that he could be carrying around a virus. He never once brought it up in any of our conversation and I wouldn’t dare ask anyone that with out having any suspicions. He fooled me, he knew that he was putting me at risk, but he didn’t care. I didn’t act crazy when I heard the rumors like some women would. I didn’t threaten to kill him although I could see why someone would want to hurt a person like that. I just told myself that I needed to know for sure what kind of danger my body had encounter. Maybe I was too busy being mad at myself that I couldn’t think of bringing any harm to him. In so many ways I was responsible for this too, I lye down carelessly, something I had always warned my own daughters about. I thought it was different for the folks of my generation. Not that we haven’t been affected by these terrible diseases, but I thought we we’re more invincible than the younger generation. That sounds so ignorant now that I thought about it. My whole mind set about what today’s life for each and every one of us is in a scramble. This hit me hard; not only that I couldn’t see myself with anyone again, I couldn’t trust anyone either. Oh I miss Richard! I wish time could just reverse back its clock and educate me a bit more.
Inside the clinic was swarming with nurses and doctors, and the poor souls that had just been handed a death sentence. I looked across the room at one lady about ten years younger than me crying her eyes out as she looked up to the ceiling thanking god that he had just speared her life. A counselor helped lift her out of her chair slowly and walked her outside of the clinic. I was happy for her; in fact I wish I was her. I had to pick a number to be call so that they could draw my blood, then return within three days for the result. I wish I could have known right there and then. The suspense was killing me. I couldn’t shake it off no matter how I tried.
The nurse called me into the office as she changed her latex gloves that she had on. My mind told me Kathy get up it’s your turn, but my legs couldn’t move and my hands held on tight to the chair. I didn’t want to go through with it anymore. My blood was rushing through my viens so fast. My heart was telling me to get up and run. I looked around confused because I thought I heard my own voice saying to me “run Kathy, run”. The nurse stared over at me trying to fiqure out why I wasn’t getting up as I held the number #21 in my hand. She walked over towards me and I refused to look at her. Should I kick her I said to myself wanting her to go away. The young nurse bends down in front of me and grabbed my two hands placing it on top of hers. “I have to leave; coming here was a mistake I said.” She looked down on her chart then back up at me, “Mrs. Sparrow are you feeling okay today?”
“No, I’m not, I have to go.”
“Mrs. Sparrow, all we’re going to do today is draw your blood that’s it; we aren’t going to give you any bad news. As soon as we draw your blood I guarantee you’ll feel better, it will be fast and painless, okay.’
“Okay”, I said as I began to calm down.
The young nurse was no more than twenty five years old. She held onto my hands as I was feeling venerable and afraid. She walked me into the testing room and told me to sit down. She turned her back to me and pulled out a surgine out of a box and my body cringed. She reminded me for the second time that nothing was going to happen today and that she was simply drawing my blood. I nabbed my head trying to be calm as she stuck the needle in my arms. The young woman was right it was fast and painless and I felt a bit more relax walking out of the testing room.
My kids came by the house that same night, and my oldest daughter Tizzy kept on staring at me as I prepared dinner. I placed a smile on my face wanting to reassure her that everything was alright; but I couldn’t fool her. “Ma, how is everything with you and Lawrence”. I dismissed the question right away, by telling her that her brothers and sisters lives were much more interesting than mines. I much rather talk about them, than myself. Instead of that putting an end to her suspicions she became more curious. Never the less, she brought the conversation between she and I to an halt while keeping an eye on me the whole night.
This was exactly what I didn’t want this thing to bring twenty four hour worrying over me. My kids not too long ago had to deal with the death of their father, and I was left behind to be the back bone of the family. I could just kill myself! How could I put myself in this position? As I sat down at dinner that night, I felt so full watching my five children interacting with each other that I almost lost it and broke down. How could I have risk missing out on all of this? A chance of not being there to see these wonderful creatures produce their own kids. My heart just couldn’t take it anymore, I brought the dinner to a end by telling my kids I wasn’t feeling good and that I had to try and mend myself so that I would be able to go to work the next morning. At first they were all shock because they knew how much I enjoyed their company. In fact they refused to leave, that is until Tizzy put her foot down and told them to get their stuff together. Well I couldn’t get rid of Ty and Dillon they were my baby boys and identical twin. The boys were seventeen and each had their own room. So when I didn’t want to see them I didn’t have to and in times like this, that was great. Shayne and Molly share an apartment in town together and they were twenty and twenty one, so they left first and told me they would call me before the night end; to see if I felt better.

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Tear Drops

3 Jul

Tear Drops

The human spirit
Some say after every storm comes calmness
for every laughter come tears,
for every struggle come reasons
What will make us laugh out loud today, and bring us to our knees in sorrow tomorrow?
We’ll never know

What we do know is that there, is a light that shines on the human spirit
and our ability to endure…….
The strength and courage we have inside each and every one of us to Face tomorrow……

No matter how great the laughter
No matter how plentiful the tears
We will weather the storm, and look forward
To anew

http://www.deniser-smith.com