Tag Archives: women issues
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Sophisticated Release!

16 Nov

Sophisticated Release!

Kathleen
I can’t believe that I am sitting here at an aids clinic! Being tested! While sitting down waiting for the nurse to call me, I said to myself, “Kathy, just laugh,” but the pain I felt stung so hard that all I could do was cry. I found out four months earlier that I might have contracted something, but I’ve been too afraid to tell my adult children. What would they think of me? I felt ashamed. My late husband and I had been together for over thirty years and not once did I have to walk down this path. Now, just by me dating a man for merely a year I put my life in jeopardy. Lawrence and I had sexual intercourse after six months of dating. I thought that was okay in today’s world. I mean we were both two old school kids, trying to get our grove back. Little did I know that Lawrence never lost his! He wasn’t the kind of man that I was use to, although he appeared that way at first. An old country girl like me got lost in his waves of lies. They all sounded good, every word that came out of his mouth was what I wanted to hear. That’s what not having a man in your life for a while will do to a woman. I was so lonely, but I swear I didn’t rush into it. It took me five years to talk to anyone again after Richard died. Everyone around me kept pushing me to get back out there, including my children, and I didn’t want my family worrying about me. So I decided to “dip my feet in the water,” so to speak. Now, here I am, wishing that I had waited a little bit longer.

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Sophisticated(old fool/new world)

8 Jul

Sophisticated(old fool/new world)

I can’t believe that I am sitting here at an aids clinic! Being tested! While sitting down waiting for the nurse to call me, I said to myself, “Kathy, just laugh”, but the pain I felt sting so hard that all I could do was cry. I found out four months ago that I might have contracted something, but I’ve been too afraid to tell my adult children. What would they think of me? I felt ashamed. My late husband and I had been together for over thirty years and not once did I have to walk down this path. Now, just by me dating a man for merely a year I put my life in jeopardy. Lawrence and I had sexual intercourse after six months of dating; I thought that was okay in today’s world. I mean we were both two old school kids, trying to get our grove back. Little did I know that Lawrence never lost his! He wasn’t the kind of man that I was use to, although he appeared that way at first. An old country girl like me got lost in his waves of lies. They all sounded good, every word that came out of his mouth was what I wanted to hear. That’s what not having a man in your life for a while will do to a woman. I was so lonely, but I swear I didn’t rush into it. It took me five years to talk to anyone again after Richard die. Everyone around me kept pushing me to get back out there including my children, and I didn’t want my family worrying about me. So I decided to “test my feet in the water”, so to speak. Now here I am wishing that I had waited a little bit longer.
I’m dying inside; I don’t know what to do if I found out that I was sick. All I could think was, that my kids would hate me. Rich passing put a damper on my life. I had no clue how dangerous it was out there now. For two weeks I prayed like I never had before. I asked God to save me over and over again from this rot that had been placed upon me. I needed to live for my kids despite the fact that they were grown.
My sister set me up with Lawrence, and I must admit I could have seen why the first time that I saw him. He was quiet and charming. He graduate from Princeton with honors and now holds a PHD in clinical psychology. He was handsome and physically fit; I never thought once that he could be carrying around a virus. He never once brought it up in any of our conversation and I wouldn’t dare ask anyone that with out having any suspicions. He fooled me, he knew that he was putting me at risk, but he didn’t care. I didn’t act crazy when I heard the rumors like some women would. I didn’t threaten to kill him although I could see why someone would want to hurt a person like that. I just told myself that I needed to know for sure what kind of danger my body had encounter. Maybe I was too busy being mad at myself that I couldn’t think of bringing any harm to him. In so many ways I was responsible for this too, I lye down carelessly, something I had always warned my own daughters about. I thought it was different for the folks of my generation. Not that we haven’t been affected by these terrible diseases, but I thought we we’re more invincible than the younger generation. That sounds so ignorant now that I thought about it. My whole mind set about what today’s life for each and every one of us is in a scramble. This hit me hard; not only that I couldn’t see myself with anyone again, I couldn’t trust anyone either. Oh I miss Richard! I wish time could just reverse back its clock and educate me a bit more.
Inside the clinic was swarming with nurses and doctors, and the poor souls that had just been handed a death sentence. I looked across the room at one lady about ten years younger than me crying her eyes out as she looked up to the ceiling thanking god that he had just speared her life. A counselor helped lift her out of her chair slowly and walked her outside of the clinic. I was happy for her; in fact I wish I was her. I had to pick a number to be call so that they could draw my blood, then return within three days for the result. I wish I could have known right there and then. The suspense was killing me. I couldn’t shake it off no matter how I tried.
The nurse called me into the office as she changed her latex gloves that she had on. My mind told me Kathy get up it’s your turn, but my legs couldn’t move and my hands held on tight to the chair. I didn’t want to go through with it anymore. My blood was rushing through my viens so fast. My heart was telling me to get up and run. I looked around confused because I thought I heard my own voice saying to me “run Kathy, run”. The nurse stared over at me trying to fiqure out why I wasn’t getting up as I held the number #21 in my hand. She walked over towards me and I refused to look at her. Should I kick her I said to myself wanting her to go away. The young nurse bends down in front of me and grabbed my two hands placing it on top of hers. “I have to leave; coming here was a mistake I said.” She looked down on her chart then back up at me, “Mrs. Sparrow are you feeling okay today?”
“No, I’m not, I have to go.”
“Mrs. Sparrow, all we’re going to do today is draw your blood that’s it; we aren’t going to give you any bad news. As soon as we draw your blood I guarantee you’ll feel better, it will be fast and painless, okay.’
“Okay”, I said as I began to calm down.
The young nurse was no more than twenty five years old. She held onto my hands as I was feeling venerable and afraid. She walked me into the testing room and told me to sit down. She turned her back to me and pulled out a surgine out of a box and my body cringed. She reminded me for the second time that nothing was going to happen today and that she was simply drawing my blood. I nabbed my head trying to be calm as she stuck the needle in my arms. The young woman was right it was fast and painless and I felt a bit more relax walking out of the testing room.
My kids came by the house that same night, and my oldest daughter Tizzy kept on staring at me as I prepared dinner. I placed a smile on my face wanting to reassure her that everything was alright; but I couldn’t fool her. “Ma, how is everything with you and Lawrence”. I dismissed the question right away, by telling her that her brothers and sisters lives were much more interesting than mines. I much rather talk about them, than myself. Instead of that putting an end to her suspicions she became more curious. Never the less, she brought the conversation between she and I to an halt while keeping an eye on me the whole night.
This was exactly what I didn’t want this thing to bring twenty four hour worrying over me. My kids not too long ago had to deal with the death of their father, and I was left behind to be the back bone of the family. I could just kill myself! How could I put myself in this position? As I sat down at dinner that night, I felt so full watching my five children interacting with each other that I almost lost it and broke down. How could I have risk missing out on all of this? A chance of not being there to see these wonderful creatures produce their own kids. My heart just couldn’t take it anymore, I brought the dinner to a end by telling my kids I wasn’t feeling good and that I had to try and mend myself so that I would be able to go to work the next morning. At first they were all shock because they knew how much I enjoyed their company. In fact they refused to leave, that is until Tizzy put her foot down and told them to get their stuff together. Well I couldn’t get rid of Ty and Dillon they were my baby boys and identical twin. The boys were seventeen and each had their own room. So when I didn’t want to see them I didn’t have to and in times like this, that was great. Shayne and Molly share an apartment in town together and they were twenty and twenty one, so they left first and told me they would call me before the night end; to see if I felt better.

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Redemption

22 Jun

Redemption

Many times we fall and are cast aside as if we’re
savages, lies are told about us, we’re left lock away in a emotional prison although we walk freely!

D.R.S

Quote

”Love is the gr…

18 May

”Love is the greatest remedy for hate”—–Denise R. Smith

Sophisticated on sale now
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http://www.barnesandnoble.com/c/denise-r-smith

Quote

“A successful w…

1 May

sophisticated1

“A successful woman takes the bricks the devil throws at her and uses them to lay a firm foundation”—-Nishan Panwar

Sophisticated now on sale

 

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Sophisticated/ebook

25 Apr

Sasha–excerpt

we’ve been through so many things, but I am not holding onto my relationship with Calvin because of our history. We genuinely love each other. Somehow our individual accomplishment has made us so independent, that we’re force to go through this phase, ”pretending as if we don’t need each other.”

quote

“When some loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.”——–Jess C. Scott

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follow your heart

4 Apr

“Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinion drowned your own inner voice. And most important have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary!”——Steve Jobs

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